Sports Pickle is IMO THE Primo Sports Satire Site…. The Sports Pickle Guys are very very strange. but I like’em. They share my opinion of “board monkeys”…..
The 8 Kids at Every Summer Sports Camp
The Beginner is the kid who recently showed an interest in the sport, so his parents signed him up to learn. Everything. Absolutely everything. The Beginner is the kid at hockey camp who doesn’t know how to skate. At basketball camp he’s the kid who can’t dribble even one time. At baseball camp, he can’t catch. Or throw.
Early in the camp, the coaches will spend a lot of time trying to help him get through drills with everyone else. By Thursday and Friday they’ll have given up and he’ll be completely ignored as he awkwardly flails about behind the pack.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “What is running?”
The Chronically Dehydrated Kid
The Chronically Dehydrated Kid constantly asks for water breaks. Whether due to laziness, being out of shape, a medical condition or a pure, unquenchable love for H20, every second at the camp he will spend thinking about how to get his next water fix.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “Can I fill up my water bottle again?”
The Abandoned Child
The Abandoned Child’s parents had him and then soon discovered they don’t care much for parenting. So they sign him up for absolutely anything they can in order to spend as much time away from the child as possible (until he is sent away forever at age 18).
“It takes a village,” the saying goes. And the Abandoned Child’s parents want everyone else in the village to raise their kid.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “No, you don’t need to call someone. My mom always picks me up. Eventually. I’m used to waiting.”
This future felon is in the camp because his parents hope it will teach him discipline. At the very least, it will give the family cat an entire week free from torture.
The Psychopath will cause a problem from the second he arrives on Monday until the moment he leaves on Friday (if he’s not kicked out before then). Most of his fellow campers will learn new curse words thanks to The Psychopath laying into the coaches for daring to tell him to stand in line without pushing people.
“You know, if you could focus just half this negative energy into learning the sport, you could be really good,” The Psychopath is told by a well-meaning coach.
“Your wife is an ugly whore,” the 9 year-old psycho responds.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “Which coach do you think it would be easier to burn alive?”
The Early-Onset Puberty Giant
This giant, body odor-emitting man-child towers over everyone else at the camp. If he has any coordination at all, all the coaches will tout him as a future superstar. He could go all the way to the pros!
Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to them, his growing days are over. A 5-foot-6 giant now, he’ll be one of the shortest people in his high school graduating class.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “This beard is making me sweat. I have to remember to shave tomorrow.”
The Injury Kid
Minutes after The Injury’s Kid parents hand over a large check to pay for his week of camp, The Injury Kid’s femur will snap in half doing a seemingly innocuous warmup drill.
Or maybe The Injury Kid will make it through the first few minutes with his femur intact, but will proceed to suffer minor injury after minor injury throughout the week. Maybe he’s a wimp. Maybe he’s just a tiny Greg Oden with a frail body. One thing we do know is that The Chronically Dehydrated Kid really appreciates all the extra waters breaks in camp that come from carting The Injury Kid off the field.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “AHHHHHHH! My leg! It’s pointed in the wrong direction! AHHHHHHH!”
The Kid Who Hates Sports
The Kid Who Hates Sports hates sports. He likes science. Or art. Or music. Or maybe nothing. But he definitely doesn’t like sports.
Yet his dad really wants him to like sports. So he hit upon the genius idea of forcing his kid to attend a sports camp and play a sport all day for five days in a row. This plan will be not be a success. This kid will go on to be a huge success in his chosen field, but he will always be a disappointment to his father.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “Is this almost over?”
The Camp Veteran
The Camp Veteran is attending his fifth sports camp of the summer. He has four more after this. His entire camp wardrobe is just t-shirts from other camps. He likes sports and is pretty good and is parents want him to have the best — or at least most — instruction so he can reach his potential.
He will get burned out on sports by the end of middle school and quit them all. His parents will try not to wonder what else they could have done with the $95,000 they spent on sports camps.
Thing You Might Hear Him Say: “I can’t wait for school to start so I can rest.”
Originally published on SportsPickle.