The Dreaded P-word …. OMG!!!

BobLee
June12/ 2015

We all awoke this Friday morning to A Different World. A world that Kindly Bill Friday, Choo Choo Justice and Hinton James never imagined. A world in which The Vaunted Flagship is ON PROBATION.

SACS – Southern Association of Colleges and Schools – has levied the Lesser of its two possible penalties – Probation – on The University of The People.

The Greater of SACS two possible penalties – Utter Annihilation – is reserved for any of its member institutions that would even consider asking Rush Limbaugh to deliver its commencement address.

THAT dreaded hammer has never been dropped and likely never will be.

PROBATION is bad enough for a once, forever and always overtly arrogant institution that has thrived on a steady diet of self-righteous adoration for over 200 years. But not to be dismayed…..

Within minutes of the announcement of The Verdict, t-shirt emporiums along quaint Franklin Street were selling t’s proclaiming “Carolina = The #1 Most Wonderfulest Public Ivy to Ever Be Probationized”.

Meanwhile from her expansive corner office-suite in South Building, UNC’s diminutive Chancellor-ette Carol (“From Dartmouth”) Folt surveyed her volumnious collection of “I Care… I Really Really Care” lapel ribbons before placing them in a El Producto cigar box and locking said box in a bottom drawer. For the duration of her institution’s PROBATION, Madame Folt a/k/a “Chancellor Chihuahua” will be Chapel Hill’s version of Hester Prynne.

Yea verily…. as with the adulterous heroine of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s epic opus – The Scarlet LetterCarol “Hester” Folt must now wear “a P” as her daily lapel adornment. It could have been worse.   (Aside… I hope one day to have an “epic opus”.  Maybe this will be mine ?)

SACS’s verdict noted seven “crimes against academia” perpetrated by UNC-CH. Had there been the dreaded eight, Madame Folt would have had “the P” tattooed on her forehead…..like Those Inglorious Bastards carving swastikas on the foreheads of the Nazis.

The Magnificent Seven Principles that SACS said UNC-CH violated were (1) integrity – (2) program content – (3) control of intercollegiate athletics – (4) academic support services – (5) academic freedom – (6) faculty role in governance and (7) Title IV program responsibilities.

There is a Title IV? Didn’t you think there is only a Title IX? The mind reels what those other Titles might be.

One of’em specifies how many different “genders” every SACS member institution must have represented on its campus at any one time. The minimum now is six but is expected to rise to nine as soon as they can identity three more genders.

SACS officials did note that the terms of The Probation do NOT prohibit overly caffeinated and delusional UNCCH partisans from continuing to be obnoxious and absurdly delusional when confronting opponents of the ABC persuasion.   A spokesman for delusional UNCers everywhere breathed a sigh of relief – “That is really all that matters” he noted.

UNC Associate Vice Chancellor of Communication Rick “Foot in Mouth” White (who is the spokestoadie for UNC Vice Chancellor Rick White UNCof Communication Joel “$400,000/year” Curran) communicated that the SACS directive did applaud UNC for its steadfast refusal to even acknowledge anyone who does not passionately support Barack Obama. “We are extremely proud of UNCCH’s long record of excluding those who don’t think ‘like we do” White passionately noted. “Hester” Folt echoing Miller’s boast, chirped “Me too”.

13151251-1409538916-220x165…. Much to the chagrin of its legion of detractors, SACS did NOT require UNCCH to remove its beloved “banners” that flutter merrily outside South Building. Fear of THAT had virtually paralyzed the UNC Trustees in recent days.

…Q: BobLee, how can one tell if the UNC BOT is paralyzed?
…A: I don’t know.

Nor did SACS levy a maximum on # of candlelight vigils the Flagship could hold per semester. “That would have certainly offended our twenty-six students who major in “Being Easily Offended” Chancellor “Prynne” said.

Asked if PROBATION might affect recruiting”of more radical left-wing anarchists to its faculty, Folt giggled and said “Gee willikers, I sure hope not.” Madame Folt thereby became the first “little tiny female” Chancellor of any UNC System institution to ever say “Gee willikers”.

UNC’s Provost James “The Bully” Dean stated he would like to go kick the crap outta the SACS.  Joel Curran shot the fiery Provost with a tranquilizer dart.

Roy-Williams-1…. Caught during his daily campus jog, Roy “Two Rings” was non-plussed.  “I’ve never heard of no gosh darn SACS.  None of the outstanding youngsters I recruit have either so I don’t give a *&^%$^&*.”  Joel Curran hastily loaded another dart.   Roy then excused himself to take a call from Rick Barnes.

…. Over at the HQ for the “System” President (for-another-194 days) Tom Ross grimaced and muttered something about John Fennebresque’s mamma wearing combat boots.  …. as Joel searched frantically for a 3rd dart.

Gene Nichol announced his new Center For Probation & Bombastic Bloviation.  Joel, alas, was out of darts.

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Collective Sighs of relief were sighed by former UNC employees, clueless athletic directors and elaborate schemers Dickie, Jan, Deborah and Julius – known fondly as the Four Fat Pension Perps (FFPP). The FFPPs were worried their fat pensions might be adversely affected by the SACS verdict. “I was prepared to stomp my tassel loafer and scowl” Dickie said. As if The Flagship was not beleaguered enough.

 

At Elizabeth City State University, generally considered #18 of the 17 System members, officials broke out buttons noting:  “Say what you will about us, but we ain’t on PROBATION.”

COUNTDOWN: Only 82 days until UNC formally responds to the NCAA NOA.

###

Dusty-Rhodes… Re: The Death of Dusty Rhodes…. In the early 1980s, a BFF and I would sit in his “home theater” (a/k/a “basement”) of his Lenexa KS home and do our imitations of “The American Dream”.  Like “Dusty” my buddy also became “an American Icon” and I, of course, your humble Internet Legend.  There will never be another “Mr Charisma”.   RIP “Dusty”.

###

Our tech oompa loompas are pretty much done shipshaping the new site. They have transferred the old URLs to the new site. Ergo, for those of who know how to Bookmark…. the URLs are now the same ones they used to be:

www.BobLeeSays.com …. and  ….. www.AgentPierceSaid.com

There IS a change in emailing BobLee:  To email BobLee – [email protected]

If you use one of the old eaddresses for BobLee; your email will go to a secret server in Caitlyn Jenner’s gym locker where “Bruce” used to keep his jock straps. Don’t do that

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Doug
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Doug

“Incompetents invariably make trouble for people other than themselves.”  Larry McMurtry – Lonesome Dove

NCSU68Grad
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NCSU68Grad

S>A>C>S Is than an acronym for Students Against Constipated Scholars? Is this an enlightened army?  Rev BB’s Logistic Expert has released a White Paper —– oh WOW…is that ever Politically Incorrect —-and has estimated the Votive Crowds to exceed the number of Apple Subcontracted Employees by several thousands.  Back on point…. SACS feels that there needs to be a Vegan diet and an extra helping of Gronola in the cafeteria.  Michelle (Moochie…who will not reveal the cost of her latest Italian vacation) Obama totally agrees.  We need to eat healthier. SACS would not not be in existence if the dietary… Read more »

JDanWuff
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JDanWuff

BL,

You will have to go a distance to out do this one, and that’s saying something.  If the administration ever had a doubt about your true feelings about their complicity in this mess, they should now have a very clear picture.

great column and wonderful zingers.

BullCityWuffie
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BullCityWuffie

Now you know UNCCH has a lot more than just 26 students majoring in Being Easily Offended…

[Great column BL]

David
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David

( With an ever so masculine lisp )

“Momma,  Momma, she said….she said “Virgil, Virgil, never hit a lady”…but I said, “Momma, Little Carol ain’t a lady !”

 

SACS with the Bionic Elbow !!!!

 

Kudos to a great column that should make both ABC’ers and Franklin Street Ostriches smile.

 

 

NCSU68Grad
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NCSU68Grad

Very nice BL.  The Scarlet (as in RED) P was perfect.  After Recruiting IS hurt, then there will be a Huckster (FB, BB, WBB, BB, whatever) that Bubba will bring in….maybe already on staff.  Gene might just be the NEXT Professor Harold Hill….I can hear him now <p> Oh, we got Trouble….Right here in Chapel Hill, <p> Trouble with a Capital T which rhymes with P <p> And that stands for PROBATION…..PROBATION <P> But, old Gene’s gonna fix the problem in due time <p> As soon as Gene learns to Rap and Rhyme. <P>   Later on in the movie,… Read more »

wolfbuff
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wolfbuff

One of your best. Reminded me of the Seinfeld finale where all the past characters were paraded through the trial. Except TGU ain’t over yet. I shall look forward to your article the day it is.

Yogi
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Yogi

crazy cousin Eddie, I have one of those but he ain’t the one you are referring to and that’s a good thing!  LOL.  Just when you think the dumpster fire has been defined (not defeated tho) SACS comes along and throws more gas on it.  Sometimes i wonder if Holden saw all this coming and said “exit, stage left, heavens to mergertroit”.  Oh and BTW, the Rick Barnes comment IS a classic!  They line ’em up and you just keep mowin’ ’em down!

ultraviolet
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ultraviolet

Since you’re a barbeque snob like me I was considerin’ signing on as your food taster, but after this column I have to think about it more. Nice work.

90Lobo
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90Lobo

That crowd is so vain…they probably think this (brilliant) piece is about them.

((Cue up Carly Simon!))

fayettewuf
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fayettewuf

I thought brevity was the soul of wit and imitation was the sincerest form of flattery. But then most of the flattery I receive is brief to the point of being nonexistent. 🙂

G-Purrs
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G-Purrs

I am glad that the heels only got  probation.   So, am I to conclude that UNC is on house arrest?   Will we see an ankle monitor chained to the old well?   Will UNC have to register as a piddle-file from here on out?   So many questions….

MelanieR
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MelanieR

BobLee, I’m curious.  In a column so full of AAA “zingers” do you have your own favorite?

wolfdon
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wolfdon

Superb!

wolfchick
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wolfchick

You’ve certainly outdone yourself. The candlelight vigil blurb stuck a fork in me and took me off the grill because I laughed so hard I was well done. And even though I have totally enjoyed my rival’s embarrassment and more than once looked up towards heaven and said “I hope this works as payback for the hell some UNC powers-that-be put you through Jimmy V”, I am also dumbfounded. Throwing academics under the bus to save BB coach and banners? I am just shaking my head. Seriously. Very perplexed how this got so big and so bad for so long. Not one… Read more »

Puddentain
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Puddentain

“spokestoadie”  ROTFL

 

BL, you’re outdoing yourself.

 

Regarding the faculty, is sheeple a gender?

DrVinnyboombatz
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DrVinnyboombatz

What can I say? This was spot on!Nothing more to add here other than Great Job!

Mark
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Mark

So now that the little academic/athletic scandal has resulted in the WHOLE university being found to lack integrity and institutional control over athletics, will that tie the NCAA hands and force them to deal a mightier blow? I know you can never predict what the NCAA will do but as you stated there has probably never been an athletic scandal that rocked the academic integrity of the whole institution.

Frank Linstreet
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Frank Linstreet

I knew you would “go yard” on this one.  It was simply a matter of would it clear the bleachers into McCovey Cove.  Dude, you cleared San Francisco Bay.

 

From Utter Annihilation to Hester Prynne to Dickie stomping his tassel loafer…. truly A Feast Of Foolishness.

Doug
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Doug

Little Carol’s El Producto box. Classic. Cue the Jaws soundtrack…. “We’re gonna need a bigger box.”

ncsu1987
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ncsu1987

Very nice, this has to join the ranks of the “best of the best” BL columns.  Kudos! I’ve obviously followed TGU for some time now, sometimes shocked, sometimes a little pissed, sometimes just generally shaking my head.  This is the first time that I have been embarrassed.  I’m almost certain that no research university, specifically one of UNC’s alleged stature, has ever been put on probation for reasons of academic fraud.  As a graduate of the UNC system, this is intolerable, humiliating and baffling. This will impact UNC’s funding, especially from non-federal sources.  It will impact the ability to recruit… Read more »