We all awoke this Friday morning to A Different World. A world that Kindly Bill Friday, Choo Choo Justice and Hinton James never imagined. A world in which The Vaunted Flagship is ON PROBATION.
SACS – Southern Association of Colleges and Schools – has levied the Lesser of its two possible penalties – Probation – on The University of The People.
The Greater of SACS two possible penalties – Utter Annihilation – is reserved for any of its member institutions that would even consider asking Rush Limbaugh to deliver its commencement address.
THAT dreaded hammer has never been dropped and likely never will be.
PROBATION is bad enough for a once, forever and always overtly arrogant institution that has thrived on a steady diet of self-righteous adoration for over 200 years. But not to be dismayed…..
Within minutes of the announcement of The Verdict, t-shirt emporiums along quaint Franklin Street were selling t’s proclaiming “Carolina = The #1 Most Wonderfulest Public Ivy to Ever Be Probationized”.
Meanwhile from her expansive corner office-suite in South Building, UNC’s diminutive Chancellor-ette Carol (“From Dartmouth”) Folt surveyed her volumnious collection of “I Care… I Really Really Care” lapel ribbons before placing them in a El Producto cigar box and locking said box in a bottom drawer. For the duration of her institution’s PROBATION, Madame Folt a/k/a “Chancellor Chihuahua” will be Chapel Hill’s version of Hester Prynne.
Yea verily…. as with the adulterous heroine of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s epic opus – The Scarlet Letter – Carol “Hester” Folt must now wear “a P” as her daily lapel adornment. It could have been worse. (Aside… I hope one day to have an “epic opus”. Maybe this will be mine ?)
SACS’s verdict noted seven “crimes against academia” perpetrated by UNC-CH. Had there been the dreaded eight, Madame Folt would have had “the P” tattooed on her forehead…..like Those Inglorious Bastards carving swastikas on the foreheads of the Nazis.
The Magnificent Seven Principles that SACS said UNC-CH violated were (1) integrity – (2) program content – (3) control of intercollegiate athletics – (4) academic support services – (5) academic freedom – (6) faculty role in governance and (7) Title IV program responsibilities.
There is a Title IV? Didn’t you think there is only a Title IX? The mind reels what those other Titles might be.
One of’em specifies how many different “genders” every SACS member institution must have represented on its campus at any one time. The minimum now is six but is expected to rise to nine as soon as they can identity three more genders.
SACS officials did note that the terms of The Probation do NOT prohibit overly caffeinated and delusional UNCCH partisans from continuing to be obnoxious and absurdly delusional when confronting opponents of the ABC persuasion. A spokesman for delusional UNCers everywhere breathed a sigh of relief – “That is really all that matters” he noted.
UNC Associate Vice Chancellor of Communication Rick “Foot in Mouth” White (who is the spokestoadie for UNC Vice Chancellor of Communication Joel “$400,000/year” Curran) communicated that the SACS directive did applaud UNC for its steadfast refusal to even acknowledge anyone who does not passionately support Barack Obama. “We are extremely proud of UNCCH’s long record of excluding those who don’t think ‘like we do” White passionately noted. “Hester” Folt echoing Miller’s boast, chirped “Me too”.
…. Much to the chagrin of its legion of detractors, SACS did NOT require UNCCH to remove its beloved “banners” that flutter merrily outside South Building. Fear of THAT had virtually paralyzed the UNC Trustees in recent days.
…Q: BobLee, how can one tell if the UNC BOT is paralyzed?
…A: I don’t know.
Nor did SACS levy a maximum on # of candlelight vigils the Flagship could hold per semester. “That would have certainly offended our twenty-six students who major in “Being Easily Offended” Chancellor “Prynne” said.
Asked if PROBATION might affect recruiting”of more radical left-wing anarchists to its faculty, Folt giggled and said “Gee willikers, I sure hope not.” Madame Folt thereby became the first “little tiny female” Chancellor of any UNC System institution to ever say “Gee willikers”.
UNC’s Provost James “The Bully” Dean stated he would like to go kick the crap outta the SACS. Joel Curran shot the fiery Provost with a tranquilizer dart.
…. Caught during his daily campus jog, Roy “Two Rings” was non-plussed. “I’ve never heard of no gosh darn SACS. None of the outstanding youngsters I recruit have either so I don’t give a *&^%$^&*.” Joel Curran hastily loaded another dart. Roy then excused himself to take a call from Rick Barnes.
…. Over at the HQ for the “System” President (for-another-194 days) Tom Ross grimaced and muttered something about John Fennebresque’s mamma wearing combat boots. …. as Joel searched frantically for a 3rd dart.
Gene Nichol announced his new Center For Probation & Bombastic Bloviation. Joel, alas, was out of darts.
Collective Sighs of relief were sighed by former UNC employees, clueless athletic directors and elaborate schemers Dickie, Jan, Deborah and Julius – known fondly as the Four Fat Pension Perps (FFPP). The FFPPs were worried their fat pensions might be adversely affected by the SACS verdict. “I was prepared to stomp my tassel loafer and scowl” Dickie said. As if The Flagship was not beleaguered enough.
At Elizabeth City State University, generally considered #18 of the 17 System members, officials broke out buttons noting: “Say what you will about us, but we ain’t on PROBATION.”
COUNTDOWN: Only 82 days until UNC formally responds to the NCAA NOA.
… Re: The Death of Dusty Rhodes…. In the early 1980s, a BFF and I would sit in his “home theater” (a/k/a “basement”) of his Lenexa KS home and do our imitations of “The American Dream”. Like “Dusty” my buddy also became “an American Icon” and I, of course, your humble Internet Legend. There will never be another “Mr Charisma”. RIP “Dusty”.
Our tech oompa loompas are pretty much done shipshaping the new site. They have transferred the old URLs to the new site. Ergo, for those of who know how to Bookmark…. the URLs are now the same ones they used to be:
www.BobLeeSays.com …. and ….. www.AgentPierceSaid.com
There IS a change in emailing BobLee: To email BobLee – [email protected]
If you use one of the old eaddresses for BobLee; your email will go to a secret server in Caitlyn Jenner’s gym locker where “Bruce” used to keep his jock straps. Don’t do that