Call Them Liberaces ??

June08/ 2015

There is so much in Life I just don’t know.   From selecting a proper wine w/ Brunswick stew to how to play the harmonica…..   The list is long and varied.   High on my list is The How Comes of Homosexuality.   “It” being all the rage these days, I need to learn.

NOTE:  Will the following comments be labeled HOMOPHOBIC… or worse?  (Is there a worse?)  Certainly, but I already get that by acknowledging I don’t like liberals.  I am admittedly LibePhobic.   As such, I’m quite use to gratuitous name-calling.

Over the past week or so one of the top stories NIBCJ -Not Involving Bruce Caitlyn Jenner; involved two members of the Women’s National Basketball Association – WNBA.

Several weeks ago these two female people were “married” in a much-publicized media-spectacular on a beach somewhere. A beach in a state where “gay marriage” is “legal”.   It wasn’t North Carolina.

One wore a traditional wedding gown.  The other one wore dreadlocks, a “man’s suit” and tennis shoes.   How did they determine who would wear the dress? Not that it is any of my business.  Just curious.


The coverage of the event included declarations from both female people of their deep love and affection one for the other.  Alas, the depth of their avowed love was apparently not as deep as they professed.

Last week…. about ten days into their life as a married couple…. the one that wore the wedding dress announced she was pregnant.   The “how did they do that” details were not included in the story; but, to be fair, the mechanics of such usually are not necessary.

My first thought was that this had to somehow dovetail with THE #1 Story in America – the aforementioned Bruce / Caitlyn Saga.   Had this been Bruce’s Last Hurrah before “snip snip” – Heeeere’s Caitlyn?

A mere 24 hours after the “I’m pregnant” announcement which was about a week after the “exchanging of loving vows”; the tall one in the dreadlocks, man’s suit and tennis shoes announced she (?) was filing for dissolution / annulment of the afore-noted nuptials.

THAT dominated the news cycle until 24 hours later when the “I’m pregnant” one (who had worn the wedding dress) announced she had decided she “was not a Lesbian”.   She had sorta thought she “might be” one (a Lesbian) but finally decided she was not one. ????   Oh, her name is “Glory”.  There is probably another story behind that, don’t you suppose?

The tall dreadlocked one in the suit and tennis shoes had created quite a controversy at Baylor where she was The #1 College Women’s player for several years…. being a foot taller than everyone else contributed to her dominance.   When she(?) left Baylor she blasted her college coach and “Baylor” for telling her “don’t tell anyone you are a Lesbian” for the duration of her college career.

She(?) had “become a Lesbian” in high school and Baylor knew she “was one” but thought it best she not tell anyone since Baylor touts its Baptist affiliation and that might get “awkward”.   Ya think?

Is Lesbian always capitalized or never capitalized except if it’s the first word in a sentence.    Why do female homosexuals get a specific designation from the annals of Greek sappho_compmythology (female inhabitants on the Isle of Lesbos who serve the goddess Sappho) but male homosexual have to be content with just “being gay” which isn’t capitalized as far as I know.

…. Why not pick a single proper noun as the male equivalent of Lesbian?  I propose “Liberace”.

… Lee Liberace was quite a showbiz phenomenon in the 50s renown as a piano virtuoso and for his over-the-top flamboyance.    His “brother George” carried his candelabra.   I think there is a museum / shrine to Liberace somewhere in Las Vegas.  Before Liberace became “liberaceLiberace” his stage name was Walter Busterkeys.   Who knew?

His TV show came on between Bishop Sheen and Queen For A Day.   NO, I am NOT making that up.  It was very popular with “blue hairs” and “your aunt”.

It was later officially acknowledged that Liberace was indeed of the overt homosexual persuasion.  That did not bother anyone back in those days.  Pretty much everyone knew it.  As opposed to Rock Hudson’s “outing” which many people still can’t compute.

What better way to honor one of, if not THE, first openly gay celebrity in America?  And the first six letters of both Liberace and Liberal are LIBERA which is Latin for “Free”.  Coincidence?  I think not.

That both Liberace and Lesbian (and Liberal) all start with an “L” would be a nice coincidence too.   It would also make it simple for LQGBT…. that ACLU-type militant group for “anything not-hetero”.   How might one go about getting “Liberace” as the official term for a homosexual man?   If you have a better term, I’m not sold on Liberace.  Lets hear yours.

“The pregnant one who had wore the wedding dress” decides she really is “not a Lesbian”.   What exactly does that mean?

Is it like “not being a Rotarian” or “not being amphibious”? …. Is there a form one fills out…. an initiation rite (go thru rush?)….. an application fee….. dues….. a lapel pin….. a bumpersticker….. a tattoo?

Does one apply to “be a Lesbian” and wait for Congratulations, You Are Now A Lesbian to arrive in the mail?  Are selfies submitted with the application?

Will the annulling duo be returning all the fondue pots, teakwood salad sets, and other Crate&Barrel and Williams Sonoma stuff they got from friends and family just a few weeks ago?   What is the etiquette for annulling a Lesbian / Not A Lesbian nuptial?   If the “not one anymore” is pregnant, does that alter the etiquette dynamics?

Did the not-so-happy-now couple have pre-marital relations?  Was their wedding night / honeymoon the “lustful fireworks” one normally associates with such an occasion?  Basically did they “do it”?   Did “the one in dreadlocks from Baylor” ever sense her “partner” was not really into “it”? ….. Again, I simply don’t understand any of this.

What is the Official definition of “a Lesbian” or “a Liberace” if my idea is accepted?   I do understand all the orifices and appendages of the human body and the “nuts & bolts” of the myriad of possibilities of what could go where if so desired.

If one got significantly inebriated and abundantly curious at the same time and explored less traditional possibilities of all those orifices and appendages…. would the next morning one wake up and “be a ________”….. or is there a waiting period or minimum number of times one “does it that way” to “be one”?   Does one submit “references” to confirm who one did what with?

Don’t act like you have never thought about this?   I don’t mean the “inebriated and curious” part but rather the “how one officially becomes one” part.

Assuming the “marriage” is annulled, does “the pregnant one” a/k/a “Glory” also get her Lesbianism annulled too?   Does she have to pay a fee for that?  Is there a Global Clearinghouse for Lesbians…. a Master Data Base?

If Glory (?) decides next week “maybe I really am one after all” can she request reinstatement?   Does she get thrown out of the WNBA for “not being one”?

I’m sure this column will offend someone.  Everything offends someone these days.  Will UNC Chancellor Folt wear a “Don’t Read AgentPierce” lapel ribbon?  I hope not.

How do I learn unless I ask questions?   If any of you can help with my edification on these matters I would appreciate it.


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