The WARNING was only in SIZE 24 type. BobLee’s quite Liberal reader (from Chapel Hill) missed it. Uh Oh!!!
My pal BobLee caught a ration of crap recently. BobLee reposted my Duke Lacrosse Anniversary column, posting A WARNING that it was written by his quite insane buddy Me. A very liberal reader missed the WARNING and read my column! He brought down the Wrath of whatever liberals substitute for their god on BobLee. The Wrath of Saul Alinsky?
They threw a few e-mail rocks at one another. Then they both got tired and agreed to blame it all on Dickie Baddour. Amazing how often that works. From their e-scuffling, a column idea was spawned. It involves Chapel Hill so you knows its going to be a hoot.
Back in the late 60s Jesse Helms supposedly said:
“North Carolina doesn’t need a Zoo. Just build a fence around Chapel Hill”.
Jesse did NOT say that. Jesse’s radio cohort Chubb Sewell back then actually said that. Regardless, Chubb / Jesse’s premise certainly has merit even fifty years later. It may be an even better idea now than it was back then. With the GOP having an iron-fisted grip on pretty much everything in NC…. why not?
We’ll move the UNC General Admin HQ out of town first per our earlier Grand Plan. Then have UNC BOG Chair John “It’s not political” Fennebresque and a couple of flatbeds full of trustees from Central Prison pull up with 18-wheelers loaded with concertina wire and claymore mines…. enough to surround the entire perimeter of both Chapel Hill and its little crazy cuzzin – Carrboro. …… No, I’ve got a better idea. NO, not “nuke’em. Hear me out.
You ever been to Plimouth Plantation or Olde Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts? These are historically accurate reproductions of Early American settlements. A bit different than Williamsburg. You enter PP or OSV and you think you have gone back in time to then. They have re-enactors in authentic costumes who are going about the tasks they would have done back then. At Plimouth they don’t “break character”. They pride themselves on being authentic in every detail. I’ve never been to Amish Country but its sort of the same thing.
There used to be a series of wild animal parks called Lion Country Safari or some such. It was a Jurassic Park thingy but with African animals instead of dinosaurs. They went bust a few decades ago. I think the lions kept eating the zebras and the occasional obnoxious brat. Anyway…. keep that concept in mind.
Chapel Hill “people” (they are “people” in the biological sense; just not “like us” people) really do like their little perceived socialist utopia. They think Chapel Utopia is the epi-center of Civilization. Conversely they really don’t like our towns at all except for Asheville a/k/a Haight-Asheville or Carrboro West. They also like places called Berkley and Cambridge. “Harvard” is in Cambridge. When a Chapel Hillian dies his survivors hope he/she/it goes to “Harvard”. Maybe Dean Smith “went to Harvard” since his religion says there is no Heaven nor Hell. Either “to Harvard” or to a Bojangles in Mebane. Does “Harvard” have seasoned fries and sweet tea?
Real People don’t care for Chapel Hill other than to shop at A Southern Season or attend a sports event…. IF all their sports get shut down, it’ll just be “shop at Southern Season”. Incredible cheese straws!
We know about the peculiar pointyheaded people who inhabit it. When we go there, we usually know what to expect….. lots of constipated lunatics walking around in Birkenstocks or driving Priuses with the back window covered up with goofy bumperstickers. More and more coeds, many of whom are winsome and nubile and many who have facial hair, leg hair and occasionally with or without all the “parts” they were born with or extra parts.
A blind date with a Chapel Hill “woman” can be an adventure. Heck, a date with a Chapel Hill “man” can be an adventure too. Trying to determine which you are dating is an adventure. Chapel Hill is a designated testing facility for totally eliminating “gender” in the human race. Be aware of that if you need to use a restroom or shower while “inside the park”.
So any how….. lets NOT put a fence all around the silly place. That money would be better spent stocking up on ammo and “fracking”. Instead of a fence, lets go with “checkpoints” at all the roads leading in or out.
Remember “Checkpoint Charlie” in East Berlin? That is what I have in mind. A for-real Road Block with a gatehouse. Going to Ft Bragg or Camp Lejeune you have to pass thru “a checkpoint”. Use their model.
Establish Chapelboro as a “Socialist Utopia Theme Park” is what I’m getting at. No pollution…. no red meat….. no refined sugar….. no flush toilets…. no tree cutting….. no guns….. no police / fire / or sanitation departments. All the inhabitants co-exist composting with one another and with Mother Nature in an ultimate symbiosis with zither music playing over steam-powered loudspeakers.
You drive up and a grim-faced border guard sizes you up. They can use zany characters from their vaunted LGQBT community holding a clipboard asking “Whats the purpose of your visit?” Never say “Oh, a little gay-bashing” because that’s really stoopid to do plus you won’t get in, I assure you. Don’t even THINK that.
“We would like to stroll down legendary Franklin Street. Spend lots of $$$$ on over-priced knick-knacks and gluten-free crap” is a good safe reply.
You park your gas-guzzler and move around the park either on steampowered Squeways or Rickshaws pulled by bi-sexuals on bikes. “Bi-sexuals on bikes”? Thats an alliterative joke. “Tranies on tricycles” works too.
Season passes will be available for visitors who insist on entering the park thruout the year for sports events…. unless the NCAA shuts down UNC Athletics, of course. Once bought, the passes are not refundable.
They pretend not to like capitalism but, like pretty much everything in their etch-a-sketch “belief-system,” it’s a quite hypocritical stance. Chapel Hillians really like $$$ when its “people like us” spending it. Handing over a wad of money to the zany checkpoint guard then doing a “U-ey” and going home is even better in their beady little eyes.
Once a year for five days….. it’s Open Season on Chapel Hillians. Gangs of marauding thugs from Derm get to come in and “cull the herd” taking out the infirmed, the too-attractive, anyone with $5 in his pocket, and all high tech electronics.
You say that last part seems cruel and unusual. Under my plan it’s only for Five Days/ year. As it is now the predatory Derm thugs come and go 365 24/7.
My strategy to make this all happen is to leak the rumor that The Eeeeevil BOG does NOT want to do it. Neither does Art Pope nor The Koch Brothers. THAT will have those knee-jerking zanies building checkpoints by noon tomorrow.
Granted the plan has some glitches and needs tweaking for sure.
What about letting “them” out? That would be a concern. Maybe each “citizen” gets five/days/year in the Real World but only when wearing one of those tracking devices on their ankle.
Your suggestions are welcomed.