Goodnight Mr Nichol, Whoever You Are!

March24/ 2015

Today’s title is a paraphrased tribute to Jimmy Durante and Mrs Calabash. “So I walked into a bohemian coffee shop with two homies and…..”

One was a fellow crazy right-wing guy and the other one wasn’t. “Wasn’t” is struggling thru Liberals Anonymous. He is having trouble with Step 7 – Say Koch Brothers without bleeding thru his eyes.

My right-wing homie related a story. When People Who Know Everything; Don’t Really.

I avoid bohemian coffee shops and biker bars. The target markets for both ain’t me. Faced with either/or I’d go to biker bars, but our rehabbing left-winger set-up this rendezvous.

This one was located in one of Raleigh’s more notorious left-wing ‘hoods – Five Points. The dozen or so other patrons were reading Mother Jones, Pravda or the really radical N&O. Several sported Che Guevara berets. Every letter in LGQBTXYZ seemed to be represented. The Maynard G. Krebs lookalike in the corner playing bongos was a nice touch.

There was only one restroom and on its door was a photoshopped picture of Joe Biden groping a billy goat. No clue what that meant. I made it a point in our two-hours of animated chatting to speak loud enough to scare the birkenstocks off of the whole bunch of’em. Bwahahaha!

To the sordid tale…. Several weeks ago right-wing guy took his wife to a local upscale hostelry/eatery – The Umstead – for her birthday brunch.

The Umstead is “so upscale” it is not The Umstead Hotel or Umstead Restaurant. It’s just The Umstead. The Umstead is located adjacent to the corporate campus of SAS. I have never found anyone who knows what SAS does, makes, sells, or fixes. SAS is so big and mysterious that it has a fenced-in corporate campus. Its founder and Mogul is The Enigmatic Dr. James Goodnight. Jim is “the richest man in North Carolina”. Michael Jordan is 3rd or 4th.

NOTE: I have met Dr Goodnight on several occasions. He is THE nicest, most down-to-earth enigmatic billionaire I have ever met. I mean that as a sincere compliment.

Dr. Goodnight’s partner is also one of NC’s richest guys. Both are …. illionaires With a B. Dr. Goodnight built The Umstead – so his wife would have something to decorate. You and I might go with our wives to Lowes to pick out new wallpaper for the guestroom. Dr Goodnight built Mrs Dr. G The Umstead.

SAS makes so much $$$$ that the guardhouse at the entrance has real live guards in it. Mrs. Dr. G decorated that too. Resort condo projects going bust have unmanned guardhouses. If your resort condo’s guardhouse is unmanned….. sell ASAP.

The Goodnights live on the corporate campus in “a secluded compound” reputably even larger than John Edwards’. A “compound” ranks just below “an island with its own zip code”.

My buddy and his birthday girl / wife are brunching at The Umstead. He invited her brothers and sisters to celebrate with them. This next part is really critical to the story.

The brothers and sisters are all “quite accomplished” i.e. they have more degrees than they have thumbs. One is a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Whichever one is “a real doctor”. The others do fru-fru things that necessitate displaying all their diplomas where everyone can see them and be impressed. You know the types. Have I mentioned that all the invited siblings are card-carrying Limo Liberals. You figured that out? Good.

As the brunching celebrants are trying to decide whether to use a fork, a spoon or a spork for sorbet, my buddy happens to notice who is dining at nearby tables.

(1) None other than The Enigmatic Dr Goodnight & Mrs Dr G….. AND (2) our favorite Chapel Hill antagonist “Bombastic Gene” Nichol…. and Mrs Bombastic. Yes, Poverty Advocate Bombastic Gene was brunching “with the swells” at The Umstead. Bet you thought Gene would be ladling out gruel down at The Soup Kitchen, didn’t you? Nope not Bombastic Gene.

No, Bully Barber was NOT there. (insert a joke about the size of The Umstead’s brunch buffet)

My buddy subtly pointed out these two notables to his quite accomplished Limo-Liberal guests. These folks know EVERYTHING worth knowing because…… well because quite accomplished Limo Liberals simply do.

The Richest Man in North Carolina and Bombastic Gene The Poverty King ??? The quite accomplisheds all look at him quizzedly . WHO & WHO? They had no clue on either.

The quite accomplisheds are all Big Time TruBlues and can recite all the “jerseys in the rafters” both alphabetically and chronologically? But no clue re: Goodnight or Nichol. Quite accomplished and Knowledgeable of All Things indeed! Holy Wall Full of Diplomas, Batman!

Dr Goodnight is like 6’8” and Gene Nichol has a head the size of a blue-ribbon winning pumpkin at the State Fair. If one did not know their regional notables one might at least ask:

“Gee, who’s that really tall billionaire and the bellowing maniac with the gianormous head?”

My right-wing hommie has known his in-laws for 30+ years. He long ago stopped being shocked by anything they presume to know about anything. They, in turn, tolerate his misguided ideology and are resigned that at least their sister didn’t marry a serial-killing meth-dealer. He did keep her in Rocky Mount for several decades which disturbed them no end.

The moral to One Man’s Story: Oft times those who trumpet the loudest that they know Everything….. Don’t Know Squat.

Epilogue: The one time I went to The Umstead was for the Randy Parton Press Conference six years ago. THE Single Most Bizarre Presser I have ever attended that did not include a Sheila Jackson-Lee impersonator.

Do you have any not-really-very-smart liberal in-laws stories you wish to share?


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