Q: What do Hurricanes, Tornados, Wild Frat Parties, and Rashad On ESPN all have in common? A: They all have an AFTERMATH Morning After.
You wake up groggily aware that there was some sorta cataclysmic occurrence the day before. You swing your legs over the side of the bed (hopefully you aren’t suffering from Plantar Fasciitis) and make your way to the bathroom…. splash water in your eyes…. and begin to wander about surveying the damage. …….
Moving from room-to-room everything seems familiar….. yet different. You wander out into the cul-de-sac joining your neighbors all in various combinations of pre-shower attire. Some are holding coffee mugs, some not. The conversational level is muted as all are awed by the destructive force of what plowed thru your world just a few hours earlier.
Finally someone utters what all have been contemplating….. “OK, gents lets break out the chainsaws and start cleaning up this gawd-awful mess. It ain’t gonna clean itself up.” Alas, ‘tis so.
Wonder if Ol’ Roy had an early morning tee time today. Wonder what the other fellas in his foursome said to him as they gather on the first tee and tossed up tees to determine the order of play.
“Mornin’ Coach. Whatcha think about Cal getting $50 Million? You gonna put the squeeze on Bubba? …… OR
“I gots to ask you, RW. Between you and Butch, which one of you micro-managers knew LESS about what was going on within your programs? Did The Butcher leave you his Sgt Schultz helmet or do you have your own?” …… OR
“Hey Roy, did ya see LaBron go down with those cramps. You ever had a player do that, Roy.” …… OR
“UVa just gave Tony Bennett a seven-year extension. Where will you be in seven years Coach?” …… OR
“Anyone seen the “overnights” of how many Chinese were tuned in to OTL yesterday. Did Dean’s 8,000,000 all tune in?” …. OR
“Roy, you and Wanda going over to Winston later today for MAYA’S FUNERAL? Maybe you and Michelle could chat about ObamaCare……” ….. OR
“How come “Dr Debbie” had time for that ESPN interview but can’t find time to “just do lunch” with BobLee?” ….. OR
“Just between us guys, Roy. Where do you have Wayne Weldon stashed away? I’m assuming it’s a country with no extradition treaty with the US, right?” ….. OR
“Didya see where Quinn Snyder’s been hired by The Jazz as Head Coach. …… OR
“Roy, it ain’t none of my bizness, mind you….. but you might want to remove Jawad Williams’ diploma from that Hall of Fame display case. It shows his degree (wink, wink) in AfAm Studies. I’m just sayin’ …… OR
“OK Coach. I believe you’re up. Paint Rashad’s face on that Titleist Pro V1 and give it a mighty whollop.”
I had one of my spies roll down “quaint and lovely Franklin Street” earlier this morning. He reports that the notorious Franklin Street Ostrich Society seems relatively intact. With one or two exceptions, their heads are still buried deep in the sand. A couple of’em have post-it-notes stuck to their backsides saying “Kiss This, Rashad”.
The window displays at Johnny’s T-Shirt, Carolina Sportswear and The Shrunken Head have all removed their McCants replica jerseys. Actually they sold’em all to the purchasing agent at the NC State Bookstore who says he has a line of salivating goggle-eyed ABCers lined up all the way down Hillsborough Street with cash in hand. They are doin’ two-fers – a McCants jersey PLUS a Corchiani replica unitard for $1,250.00. They are selling like hotcakes at the nearby IHOP.
ESPN has moved on. They are still running that “crawl” about Rashad and Roy and probably will until CEO John Skipper orders BalBiz to pull it.
The media satellite vans are still circling the Flagship’s tree-lined campus hoping to spot the afore-mentioned Hall o’ Fame coach. The first talking head to get an unscripted raw comment from Two Rings is sure to have a rating-spiker.
The expected “wagon-circling” by the UNC Bkball “family” has commenced. Dozens, nay thousands, of former Boys ‘n Blue are offering 140 character odes to the wonderfulness of THEIR UNC academic experiences. The irony of former UNC athletes actually using tweets to support their beleaguered fraternity is worth noting since ‘twas a tweet what began this migraine / dumpster fire over five years ago.
Amid hashtag #LuvMeSomeRoy are “hang in there, Roy” – “Tippecanoe and Dean, Roy & Tyler Too” and “JR could too read” tweets, perhaps the most notable came from a rival athlete – one Julius Hodge. NC State’s own “Dr J” apparently knows Mr McCants well enough to warn one and all that he (McCants) be of questionable character and likely to lie about most anything.
Me? I waiting for character reference tweets from Khloe Kardashian and “the brunette Tiki Girl”. Former teammates and opponents are one thing, but the opinion of someone who has danced the horizontal mambo with a fella is whatcha really want to see.
Speaking of MAYA’S FUNERAL …... imagine if you think you’re “somebody” in the world of AfAm Super Celebrities and you are NOT invited to MAYA’S FUNERAL. Does Rashad’s 15-minutes merit an invite? Will V dot be there? PDiddy? Li’l Wayne? Jay-Z and Bey? Suppose Donald Sterling shows up? Ya think BullyBarber might lead a mini-mob onto the proceedings? Among all the ebony luminaries….. which ones get within 50’ of Madame O and Evita Obama? Should we assume Slick Willie gets to be in a Madame O / Michelle sandwich at center stage? I think that’s a given. ….. will Mama Dip cater the chicken’n waffles for the all-important Super Super VIP after-party?
I know no one believes me, but I’m still betting Obama issues one of his infamous Executive Orders changing The Redskins to the Washington Angelous. When he does, remember where you heard it first.
Seriously…. where do you think Ol’ Roy has Wayne Weldon stashed away? With Burgess McSwain available only via séance, Wayne is near’bout the only one what can point the fickle finger of “you did TOO know” in Roy’s sternum. And, if he does, Bubba’s got no choice but to do “a Lizzie Borden” on the enigmatic and always-good-for-a-quote coach. If you don’t know who Wayne Weldon is, you don’t get an A in Great Unpleasantness 101.
Methinks PackPride and/or SFN should jointly announce a $1,000,000 bounty for a Where’s Wayne Weldon contest. Rumor has it “he is somewhere in Dallas”.
Whatta you think?
For several years, I’ve been asked the question: “If Ol’ Roy gets REALLY beleagured, will TarHeelNation rally to his defense like they would for St Dean?” . Most TruBlues seem to think “No” since Roy has become such a grumpy old poot over the past few years. Guess we gonna get our answer in AFTERMATH.
NOTE: The reader comments to this column are EPIC…. and likely to get EPICier over the next 48 hours as this one circles the globe again and again and again. Check’em out.