If you see a bear in Carrboro…..

June28/ 2013

There have been numerous (three) “bear sightings” this week over in Carrboro. Pretty much any news story containing the phrase “in Carrboro” lends itself to knee-slapping hilarity. My first thought was “I always thought bears were smarter than that….. Carrboro??…. I mean REALLY!” Then I had ten more thoughts…..

The Welcome on that sign ain’t meant for the ursine persuasion.

“Carrboro” has evolved into North Carolina’s Rio Linda. Rio Linda, of course, became a municipal icon for “a town where the “loc” in local stands for “loco” thanks to a certain national talk show host….. who, we understand, is NOT too popular in Carrboro.

On any “how strange are they” scale, Carrboro is “up there” or “down there” with the strangest of’em. The key to a community having its own “butt of jokes” category is said community taking itself really really seriously. Carrboro-ians have no problemo doing that.

“Carrboro” is a code name for the mental heath ICU wing of UNC Hospitals.

What is a bit unique about Carrboro is that it has recently surpassed its Siamese twin-city Chapel Hill in abject weirdness. People actually moved from Chapel Hill to Carrboro because Chapel Hill became too mainstream. “Too mainstream” measured by in the last election the number of registered Republicans in town finally reached double figures. That so alarmed the local anarchists that a mass western exodus ensued to Carrboro.

So now, in addition to its renown human zoo of freaks, weirdos and Darwinian missing links….. Carrboro has “bears”. CLICK

Top Ten Smart-Aleck Thoughts About “Bears In Carrboro”…..

10. Another infamous Orange County enclave – Governors Club – had a “deer problem” a few years ago. They declared Robin Hood Week and invited amateur bow-hunters to “come on in” and harvest the pesky critters. That is not likely to be Carrboro’s solution. In fact Carrboro-ians drove their Priuses’ over to Governors Club to protest their plan.

9. We knew bears were attracted by plenty of “fruits and nutz”.

8. These three bears brings the number of known carnivores in Carrboro to four. The other one is a fella named Mitch who got annexed a coupla years back….. against his protests.

7. How long before “they” try to bring a bear with’em to a Bill Barber Monday MobMosh? Do bears have “clergy”?

6. These three bears brings the number of known heterosexual animals in Carrboro to four. Yep, Mitch again. NOTE: There may be other heteros in Carrboro but they are all “in the closet” for their personal safety.

5. The Carrboro Chapter of Global Warming Scam “R Us immediately touted this was “that polar bear that was set adrift in the Bering Sea because of talk radio……”

4. The Carrboro Chapter of P.E.T.A. has suggested local residents set out milk & cookies and little sacks of lavender potpourri.

3. If the bears are “black” the Carrboro police have been ordered NOT to profile’em or to interfere in any way in their wanton vandalism.

2. Three new registered voters have already appeared on the Carrboro voter rolls this week – a Mr Papa, Ms Mama and Little Baby “Bear”. They registered (D). Duh.

1. Carrboro’s Town Politburo, waiving its VERY Strict No Gun ordinance, has named the three bears McCrory, Tillis and Berger and is encouraging residents to “shoot’em on sight”. Not that any good little Carrboro-ian would ever hesitate to do so.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x