“No Gov McCrory. I expect you to ____.” bwahaha

June25/ 2013

Along with “Bond, James Bond” and “shaken, not stirred”, the single most recognized line from all the James Bond movies. “No, Mr Bond. I expect you to die.” was sneered, of course, by Auric Goldfinger.

Over-the-top cartoonish villains are as essential to a Bond film as exotic femme fatales and Q’s gadgets. Move over Goldfinger, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Emile Largo, Mr Big, Drax, Dr. No, et al., here come “The Reverend” Bill Barber (cackle, cackle, sneer, smirk….)…..

From the first time Bill Barber was hoisted on to the local media stage – by a construction crane and his ever-present phalanx of grimacing bodyguards – he has exuded all of the cartoonish affectations of “a Bond villain”.

His sinister organizational acronym – his SMERSH or SPECTRE – of course is NCNAACP.

Yes, I realize that Barber is no longer as ENORMOUS a physical presence as he once was. Losing 200 pounds IS impressive. Alas, his “Before“ pics – in excess of 500+ pounds – means “After” pics of Bill Barber in a speedo are not likely any time soon.

Hold that visual for no more than 5 seconds…. My Eyes! My Eyes!

The all-time best “How big is Bill Barber?” joke:

“Bill Barber eats two Rush Limbaughs for breakfast every morning….. with lots of syrup.”

Yes, that was MY line two years ago but its gotten giggles from even hard-core Libs. Sure you can use it but prefacing “that crazy AgentPierce said…..” is appreciated.

IMO, Barber’s physical enormousness, while impossible to ignore, has never been as cartoonishly Bond Villain-worthy as “the evil-eyed glare”. Really, the classic Barber pose with his huge Kong-esque head tilted down and those “dark as Egypt” hooded eyes exuding high-octane venom at his enemies de jour could traumatize the bejeebers out of an entire Montessori school.

Fortunately for the good citizens of North Carolina, “Barber’s evil-eyed glare” is ineffective against Truth, Justice & The American Way as personified by Team McCroryTillisBerger.

Every Bond Villain has some distinctive uniform…. usually something from Jos A Banks’ BananaRepublicDictator Collection. “Buy Two Mao Jackets and get a Free Gold Chain AND a Funny Hat!” The Reverend, of course, goes with clergical vestments as benefiting his schtick as a “deified demagogue”. Could he be The 5th Horseman – War, Famine, Conquest, Death…. and Bill Barber ?

To complete the whole Bondian theme, The Reverend needs to outfit his minions in various colored jumpsuits. A different color to designate each faction – his much-publicized clergy (wink, wink) – the Carrboro Codgers – that new batch of tie-dyed flower children from “Haight-Asheville” and, of course, his ever present horde of media hacks needs their own color jumpsuits. One color for WRAL…. a different color for GangMcClatchy…. and so on. What would be a fitting uniform color for RobReilleWho and John Frank… and Binky?

Could there be a hollowed-out volcano on Halifax Mall where The Reverend is building his Death Ray? His minions scurrying about in last-minute preparations as the count-down to Aramaggedon commences.

Do y’all recall “Rosa Klebb” in From Russia With Love? The diabolical KGB assassin with the poison blade in her shoe played by Lotte Lenya…. initials LL? Who do we know with the initials LL, that is so enamored with Barber, that could possibly fill that role? Hummmm……. let me think.

I know what you’re thinking. To complete the picture, “The Reverend” Barber needs a cat on his lap. I thought of that. Finding a cat would be no problem.

…… but finding Bill Barber’ lap would be an “Oddjob” for sure.

“No McCrory/Tillis/Berger, I expect you to dieeeeee….” bwahaha

Bwahaha indeed!

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