Crazy Cootifying of Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter
July22/ 2010

I was just an apprectice right-wing fanatic in the late 70s. Having lived in Atlanta I was aware of Governor Jimmy Carter. Likewise Governor Lester “Ax Handle” Maddox. Who woulda figured, 40 years later, Lester would be remembered as “the nicer and SANER” of the two.

Nobody had much negative to say about Jimmy Carter in the mid 70s. Actually not much of anything PERIOD to say about Jimmy Carter in the mid 70s. Just that

1. He was NOT Richard Nixon
2. He was a harmless peanut farmer from Plains GA. How much trouble can he cause?

Rosalynn was Laura Bush-esque. Miss Lillian was Barbara Bush-esque. Amy was twixt Chelsea Clinton and “Carrie”. Brother Billy became The National Symbol for Idiot Brothers – that 82% of American families relate to.

Idiot Brothers turn in to Crazy Uncles who make or break family gatherings based upon current meds and the floozie factor of their current girlfriend/wife.

Jimmy (“Jimma”) had done something on a nuclear submarine (earning the “must be smart” tag required of all Democratic pols) but was better known as “a peanut farmer” from Plains – a mini-mini-burg in Georgia. His country boy persona was a perfect contrast to Tricky Dick from San Clemente with his 5 o’clock shadow and that “scary President Logan” thing.

Jimma had two “spinmeisters” on his team. Hamilton Jordan and Jody Powell. Jordan is pronounced “Jerdan” in Georgia and Alabama because thats how Shug pronounced it. Ham & Jody were the toasts of Foggy Bottom as “good ol’ Southern boys”. The DC media-elite found them amusing until the newness wore off and they degenerated into boozy, lying, slimey DC reprobates.

Bert Lance

There was Bert Lance. Anyone who has lived in the South for a week knows “a Bert Lance”. In North Carolina his name was Tony Rand ….. a “big ol’ boy”. In Hazzard County he was Boss Hogg. “Bert Lance-types” weighs in around 275 with a pair of country hams forhands. ….. crookeder than a dog’s hind leg. Bert quickly got nailed on a banking flimflam and sent back to Georgia finishing his life hearing “anyone ever tell you you look like Bert Lance”?

Jimma was pretty clueless about most everything. Whatever he knew about nuclear submarines or growing peanuts was not much help. He addressed the nation from The Oval Office wearing a cardigan sweater and earning the bi-partisan distinction of “Worst POTUS of the 20th century”. As a Southern boy, I recall being embarrassed by his overall doltness ….. and Brother Billy peeing on a tarmac. This was BEFORE Jimma’s circuits totally fried.

When historians rate dictators who are practicing cannibals, the “he is like” measure is Idi Amin Dada. For overall chief executive incompetency the phrase is Carter-esque.

The Iranian Hostage Mess and sky-hi interest rates sent Jimma and his boys back home after just 48 months. Assumingly to sit on a bench outside his library signing peanut memorabilia while tolerating inane questions about how’s Billy doing? ….. America wishes THAT was the way it would turn out. Nope.

Until Jimma, EVERY former POTUS regardless of side of the aisle observed a 200+ year tradition of (1) not being stoopid in public and (2) not saying incredibly dumb stuff. Who figured Jimma Carta as the one to blow that nice tradition all to Hell.

In the 30 years since the well meaning clueless goober left DC, Jimma has established 26 Guiness World Records for most incredibly embarrassing crap ever said or done by a former POTUS. In 25 of those 26 cases he was the prior record holder.

Some say he fell off a ladder during a Habitat For Humanity photo-op in Valdosta and hit his head on a brick. Others think he inhaled something toxic on that nuclear submarine. Has he had a peanut allergy all these years? Everybody does agree that Jimmy went bat-ass crazy causing Miss Lillian to proclaim on her deathbed in 1983 – “I’ve always said Billy was the smart one.”

Jimma didn’t just “get a little senile”. Goofy ol’ coots can be fun to have around. Jimma turned full-bore NUTZ & NASTY. Add mean, nasty and insulting to goofy and it’s time to grab the taser and pick out a straight jacket in Jimma’s size – 40Reg.

In the ensuing three decades, Jimma has become an international icon for semi-functional dementia. Popping up wherever there is absolutely no reason for him to be, proving “there is no global crisis that cannot be further screwed up by Jimma Carta’s on-site meddling.”

It got so bad that fellow global meddler The Reverend Jesse Jackson checks to see if Jimma is going before he goes. To quote RevJJ: “I screw up bad enough by myself. I don’t need to team up with that loony ol’ cracker.”

Longtime Carter cohort Yasser “Ringo” Arafat loved having Jimma on-site. “Are you kidding? Standing next to that nutty ol’ rascal I almost seem sane.”

In recent annual polls of Most Respected Georgia Heroes, Jimma consistently finishes well down the list behind both Michael Vick AND Gen. Wm T. Sherman. uh oh.


We attempted to interview Jimma for this article. An aide to Rosalynn sent the following e-mail:

TO: AgentPierce
FROM: An Aide to Rosalynn
SUBJECT: Your Recent Request
Unfortunately, President Carta is going thru a rough spell these days. We’ve had to chain him back up down in the root cellar.”

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